take a step?
The hits keep coming - but the redemptions do to….knocked back a couple of paces today….sick again - hate it….want to hole up and take it on alone — but the star says no….says he’ll be here…says he’ll stick — now the trust is up to me…he gives me no reason not to…just my own deficencies keep me from it…
Learning to manage such a position is yet another new stepping stone…reach out with a tenative toe and test the balance….feel the slip, feel the tilt, feel the catch of stability — he’s there - at least thus far….i need to do my part in the chaos at this point - go ahead and shift my weight and trust my next step….
Ill either fall….or i wont
Where is the chaos?
Not sure what im doing or where im going these days - things have gotten easy for the most part - i feel some stability - some normalcy?? at least i think thats what it is - been awhile since ive felt it…..absent is the maddening restlessness, the endless anxiety about the future, the ice pack around my heart
All of this seems to come from a fledgling commitment to the newest star - he settles me - challenges me - melts me…..he isnt expected and frankly at the time not even wanted - i had decided that a ‘wolf pack of one’ was the way to go and i was sticking to it….however i was knowingly miserable - when he finally convinced me to let him in a bit i found my chaos slowing to a manageable level - it happened slow? fast? different ppl have different opinions….but bottom line it happened naturally - without thot, without pressure, without expectation - and now? here i stand - with a new boyfriend….gosh i hate that word - a new sweetheart….yes that is better
Whether i like it or not - i am a better and happier me when i have a person - another soul to call my own - someplace to lean without feeling guilty - someone to love without pretense - a best friend
So this new neophyte star is now my framework to live some life….he supports me and loves me on his own terms - all the while considering mine - he is a blessing to me
With my new found structure i find myself flirting with the ideas that others have been preaching for awhile - my designed life with the ex has fallen apart - it doesnt and probably will never look like we wanted - grandiose plans of a new commitment to a non married relationship - but altho im proud we pulled off 2 plus years in this dream, im distraught that it must end…..i must give up the fight - let this one pass - close out not just the chapter, but the story.
My former life is no more….the only cherished remnants are two AMAZING boys who i look on with wonder at their acceptance and resilience - i pray i have given them all they needed in these last few years - if nothing else a chance to adjust to a new reality……i have to trust that this new place will be a further blessing to their young lives - i must look to the future as opportunity for so much more for them….and they need their mama to be solid and secure to get them there
Solid and Secure…..some of the pieces that i find in this star…..allowing me to accept and move forward a few steps more…..the next phase is going to look radically different - im not sure yet what is to come - but i feel it coming - the wind is shifting the atmosphere changing…..and i GET to take it on with confidence and excitement - a chance to take back my life - this time for me and my boys……
The Shoe….with a tophat….in the jail????
I feel like i have switched board games but am using the same characters as the old game - kinda like playing monopoly with the characters of clue….it works…sorta - but bottom line its just off enough to stay uncomfortable….
In reverse - i take my little monopoly shoe and try to find its place in the Clue game….mrs peacock wants to wear me of course but it just doesnt work in the overall game rules…
Like my old life is right there - but my new life is right here…..im trying to fit my new life into the hole the old life left….its a cog in the wheel….everything runs but the gears just dont quite line up….
Its an awkward reality….
I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my mom always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate..
i find myself behind enemy lines…..im swerving and dodging knowing the risks are stacked against me. So do i move fwd straight into the fire - or back track and try to flank em?
The enemy? you ask…..not your typical adversary - in fact most would consider it something to strive for - but life has taught me to fear it - to avoid it - to cock my gun and wait to ambush…..TRUSTING ANOTHER
As most of you know - ha “you” - like anyone reads this shit but me…..i digress….as most of you know - i have endured many loves and losses - i meet someone - grow emotionally and sometimes physically attatched and then BAM drama, life, and leaving occur - sometimes its me who bails sometimes its him - either way it hurts and i hate it…..so i have grown a thick skin of avoidance and denial to keep from repeating it
Couple of weeks ago i got blind sided by a new star - leading me fwd again…..but this time i have my guard up and my resistance sword drawn - i am refusing to look down the road - willing only to endulge in the here and now - feels selfish at times - my lack of committment to anything past an hour from now seems unfair to this star - but ive been honest and up front about my damage and my pain - made it very clear that i am in no hurry to test the boundaries of trust anytime soon…..and still he stays - happily and willingly - patience of job to see where the chips fall - makes me think of a lyric from an avett bros song “the ballad of love and hate” - hold on while i find it…..just rvs the he and she
‘Love has been waiting, patient and kind - Just wanting a phone call or some kind of sign, - That the one that she cares for, who’s out of his mind, -
Will make it back safe to her arms’
anyway back to star - hes a great guy - much younger than i am chronologically but miles ahead of me emotionally - he has his own baggage and drama - scars on his heart and soul - more life than his young years should allow - hes strong and confident and absolutely knows what he wants and how to get it - he ahs learned not to let something he wants walk without a fight - and right now he wants me
i have of course warned him off of this “danger curve ahead” girl - begged him to re consider - but he sees something in me that holds him - that amazing sparkle and draw that God gave me to share - the one i have no control over, its just who i am - but that sparkle has thorns - i know them, have felt them, and find myself in fear of them…..im scared he is just setting us both up for a fall
But for now im intrigued - smitten at some level - and frankly curious to see what the hell this is…
New Star - New Journey……God bless us every one
Mighty oak built my fortress…
ok yet again - i have traveled a path….a scraggly winding path - it started out uphill - then i found it to clear for awhile - i liked it. I was holding the hand of man i had known and was knowing again - i liked it. We were taking on the days and the nights together, leaning - laughing - loving eachother - i liked it
then one day the path darkened and before i knew it a giant oak tree fell across the path - he was on one side, me on the other - he kept walking, i crumpled in tears
but i chainsawed thru the mighty oak and found my way past it - i have lived days now moving fwd down the journey - living for me - surviving on my own - but i continue to look ahead to see if he has stopped to wait….so far he hasnt.
now i look back to our path and its grown over and cold - the sun rays not making it to the ground anymore - im sad with the change - miss him everyday - but hes not there - im moving to missing the idea of him - he was yet another star leading me on my way when i believed he could have been the sun - i hate these lessons i must learn….hate the pain…..hate the lonely
but im stronger yet again - like the mighty oak that took my path - i am stronger - took that damn oak and built on to my fortress
i worry somedays that this strength will work against me - will not allow me the tender softness and trust that will let me love again - my walls are so thick, so tall - and the moment i pull a few bricks down to see what might be on the other side - i realize how safe i feel behind them - lonely yes - but safe
ive had a few ask for me to bring them down - or open the gate and let them in - and ive been tempted - but ultimately they were not worth the risk - so i stay closed off and secure - opting to walk out in front from time to time - on my own terms of course - just to see whats around - see how it feels - but i never leave sight of my walls - the gate key firmly grasped in my hand - ready to sprint for the safety of my fortress
Stronger…..yeah…something like that
Live right now; Just be yourself. It doesn’t matter if it’s good enough for someone else.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
Every story has an end, but in life every end is just a new beginning.
…
Sometimes the dreams that come true are dreams you never even knew you had.Kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly, forgive quickly.
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.
Sometimes you need to step outside, clear your head and remind yourself of who you are, and where you wannabe be.
And sometimes you have to venture outside your world in order to find yourself.Run.
Create.
Push.
Kick.
Ask.
Change.
Give.
Optimize.
Search.
See.
Write.
Dance.
Dream.
Spin.
Hear.
Fly.
Desire.
Move.
Relax.
Brawl.
Kiss.“Live with intention.
Walk to the edge.
Listen Hard.
Practive wellness.
Play with abandon.
Laugh.
Choose with no regret.
Continue to learn.
Appreciate your friends.
Do what you love.
Live as if this is all there is.” – Mary Anne Radcher
Randomness…..
~ hard to find this squiggly line
~ my chair should not have a rocking feature - im never gonna be able to sit still today
~ im never gonna click this button fast enough either
~ Frog is gonna be a girl….i can feel it.
~ so proud of kristen and marianne…hope they are proud of me…feel like im not a great role model for them…need to sit down and chat with them…
~ songs have meaning….
~ sometimes its sound sometimes its lyrics
~this experiment didnt go over too well…
Fight for me?
I’m realizing today tht no one has ever really fought to keep me - maybe I haven’t let them - maybe they just didn’t want to - or didn’t feel like it wld do any good….I don’t knw - but it’s a hit to the self esteem wondering if u are even worth fighting for….if tht is why they didn’t…
The most damaging ppl ever in my life fought to keep me - but the ones who were absolutely the most important, didn’t …..can’t help but wonder why?
Something I’ll be analyzing further I’m sure….
Hate dark days
Im on a boat - a mother fuckin boat….
Ever crashed into the life of another - and end up thanking them for the bruise?? The last few days i have been thankful for a new heart - a new reason to breathe - a new place to lay my head - The gypsy soul searches long and hard for others like her…they come and go until one fits…
Did you hear that “snap”??….that was two souls slipping into place….
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